Poetry

Titties and Beer

By Frank Zappa

It was the blackest night
There was no moon in sight
You know the stars ain't shining 'cuz the sky's too tight
I heard the scary wind
I seen some ugly trees
There was a werewolf honkin' along the side of me
I'm mean and I'm bad
Y'know I ain't no sissy
Got a big-titty girl by the name of Chrissy
Talkin' about her, 'n my bike, 'n me
An' this ride up the mountain of mystery
I noticed even the crickets actin' weird up here
So I figured I might just drink a little beer
I said "Gimme summa that, what yer suckin' on"
But there was no reply, cuz' she was gone
"Where's those titties I like so well?"
"An my goddamn beer," is what I started to yell.
Then I heard this noise, like a crunchin' twig
An' jumped up the Devil, he's about this big
He had a red suit on an' a widow's peak
An' then a pointed tail n' like a sulfur reek
Yes, it was him, alright, I swear I knew it was
He had some human flesh stuck underneath his claws
You know it looked to me like it was titty skin
I said "You son-of-a-bitch," cuz' I was mad at him.
Well, he just got out the floss 'n started cleanin' his fang
So I shot him with my shooter, said: bang bang bang
The sucker just laughed and said "Put it away
You know I ate her up so watcha' gonna say?"
You ate my Chrissy? "Yeah, titties 'n all"
What about the beer then?
"Well, were the cans this tall?"
Even her boots? "Would I lie to you?"
Shit, you musta been hungry.
Yes, this is true."
Well, don't they pay you good for the stuff that you do?
"I can't complain when the checks come through."
Well, I want my Chrissy and I want my beer
So you just barf it back up now, Devil, do you hear?
"Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man…
I am the Devil, do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your titties and beer?
I suppose you noticed this little contract here…
"Yer goddamn right, you son-of-a-whore.
That's about the only reason I learned writin' for.
Gimme that paper Bet yer horns I'll sign
'Cuz I need a beer 'n it's titty squeezin' time.
"You can't fool me. You ain't that bad
You shoulda seen some of the souls I had.
Thee was the Ayatollah, 'n Fallwell, too
'N both of those bastards is worse than you.
"Well, let's make a deal, if you think it's true
I mean, you're supposed to be the Devil, so…
Watcha gonna do?

(to be continued)