Humor

About Me

By Marcus Pan

The following is actually a reprint off of the Pan Pages ( http://www.zenweb.com/pan) by Marcus Pan. It was his introduction page where he introduced himself to his visitors.

This is the About Me page, just in case you clicked wrong. I've only included this page because it seems to be a standard on most web sites. Of course, though I'm not one to conform, I still believe in some traditions. I was toying with the idea of not writing this and removing any reference to it on my pages. I don't see why anyone would read it so it would just end up being a waste of time for me to do. After all the only people who would read this already know me, so what's the point? For those that don't know me, why would they care? I don't know, but in sticking with tradition, this is me. One thing, though, this page is probably going to be hellish for the humor-impaired. So, if you get offended easily, leave or something.

I'm a typical, every day guy by my standards. However, many argue that my standards are warped in some way. I am constantly referred to as "evil" for some reason or another. If when you see an accident on the side of the road and your first question is "Do you see any blood?" makes you evil, so be it. I'm also constantly bombarded by evil connotations. Things like "Hey, Pan, I saw that movie 'Seven' last night and it reminded me of you." (That, by the way, was said by my friend DKS, the self proclaimed "Suck Master," whatever that means.) So, this changes the first sentence of this paragraph. I'm a typical, every day evil fuck. (shrug) So, one thing you've found out so far is this.

Pan is evil.

Continuing on, I do happen to have a very healthy sense of humor. Everything strikes me as funny. Even life itself. Somewhere there is some god/being/creature/etc. who gave us life laughing his/her/its ass off because this is all one big joke. Following in the tracks of my sense of humor is the fact that I don't like people who don't have one. They annoy me. Those stuffy yuppie types have got to go. So I try to make everyone laugh in one way or another. At work I started the Quote of the Day with things ranging from stupid sentences ("How do you uncompress a doublespaced drive? Singlespace it.") to customer complaints ("This is where the fecal material impacted the ventilation system."). Being tech support you hear a lot of the latter. So the Quote of the Day travels to about 50 people in the company via inter-company e-mail. And it makes people smile. And that makes me smile. Of course, there are many times when I get a wry smile followed by a "You wise-ass," or similar comment. Shut up and be happy. Above all smile. So, what have we learned so far?

Pan is evil.
Pan is a wise-ass.

Over and above the writing of every day's Quote of the Day, I like to write in general. I write poetry, songs, fantasy stories, essays and a whole bunch of other shit. I'm going to put some up here for those of you that might be interested. Also check out my fanzines homepage, (http://www.zenweb.com/pan/legends/) Legends, for more of my writing. Legends is a little something I started doing for fun, but it turned into an oversized monster of a project that is still rolling after five years. It's actually pretty damn good and only getting better. One of the longest running fanzines in the states, too, and Legends is one of the things I'm most proud of. Ok, so far we've learned:

Pan is evil.
Pan is a wise-ass.
Pan likes to write a lot which probably means he's a nerd.

I'm also a hard-core tech-head. Computers rule. Everything about them. Riding the wave of technology kicks ass. Hang Ten, damnit. Making a computer fetch my mail, bring me the latest articles from the news and tell me how much money I owe the rest of the world is great. I get a rise out of ripping open a computer and tinkering around (contrary to popular belief it is not not an orgasm). Just to see what's in it, fuck with the motherboard, pull out chips and stick them somewhere else. I also want to point out that the hard drive was not named like that because us tech-heads are geeks and never get any. I don't know about Bill Gates, but little Willy here's a happy camper. So far?

Pan is evil.
Pan is a wise-ass.
Pan likes to write a lot which probably means he's a nerd.
Pan's a computer-geek, which only intensifies the nerd part (but he does get some).

This by the way is one of the paragraphs that may offend some right wing die-hards. Just a warning. I will say one thing about religion. I am not a Christian and think that whole damn thing is a hypocritical way of living. Sin all week, say "Oops I'm sorry" on Sunday and go out and sin some more and you're a good Christian. I am a Celtic. The fact that we are all killing Mother Earth sucks. Ok, so far:

Pan is evil.
Pan is a wise-ass.
Pan likes to write a lot which probably means he's a nerd.
Pan's a computer-geek, which only intensifies the nerd part (but he does get some).
Pan thinks Christians are hypocrites, which intensifies the evil part.

I'm heavy into music. My favorite is gothic/industrial music. Shit like Machines of Loving Grace, Nine Inch Nails and Ministry. And some shit you've probably never heard of (Leather Strip, Skinny Puppy, Armageddon Dildos, etc.). I like good old rock and roll too, but I'd rather hear Trent Reznor scream "Fist fuck!" than John Cougar talk about girlie-colored houses any day. I've seen NIN in concert and believe me he'd kick the crap out of Mellencamp. Have you ever seen the Crow? That's what I look like when I go clubbing to the types of places I like. And the clubs I go...downright freak zones. My friend Bill calls us "art fags." Thanks, Bill. I like to play music, too. I've been playing keyboards since I was like eight or something, so I can read, write and arrange music pretty damn good. I also play bass guitar, but that's not quite as good as the keyboard thing (gimme some time). I've been on stage at Club Bene once with one of my old band, Precision Shock, and that's one of the things I'm proud of. I've also put out a pretty good demo tape with another band I was with, Cage, and I'm proud of that too. So far you've learned:

Pan is evil.
Pan is a wise-ass.
Pan likes to write a lot which probably means he's a nerd.
Pan's a computer-geek, which only intensifies the nerd part (but he does get some).
Pan thinks Christians are hypocrites, which intensifies the evil part.
Pan is not only evil, he's a freak.
Pan is very proud.

I'm not much for TV or movies. I have been known to run out and catch a good flick every now and then, but it's not really high on my things-I-like-to-do list. I only go because my lady likes to go and being with her is very high on my things-I-like-to-do list so it cancels out the low movie rating. I like to read a lot. I've found on all occasions that the book is better than the movie. Doesn't matter what movie it is, who directed it, whatever. The book is always better. Some of the authors on my favorites list include Tolkien, King, Asimov and Heinlien. I read a lot of computer magazines, too. PC Computing is the only one I am currently subscribed to, however. Or at least was. I've just received my last one recently.

Pan is evil.
Pan is a wise-ass.
Pan likes to write a lot which probably means he's a nerd.
Pan's a computer-geek, which only intensifies the nerd part (but he does get some).
Pan thinks Christians are hypocrites, which intensifies the evil part.
Pan is not only evil, he's a freak.
Pan is very proud.
Pan is a bookworm, which only means he's a bigger nerd than originally thought.

I'm kind of running out of things to say right about now. I like Dunkin' Donuts coffee (in such amounts that friends call me Pan Valdez). I could live off of Doritoes, pizza and cheese steaks. I smoke too much. I am a work-a-holic. I'm always working on something whether it is Legends, this page or my AD&D campaign. I can't tolerate people who are stupid but won't admit it. I am very loyal to friends who are loyal to me. And other miscellany. So we've learned a lot about Pan. Look at all we've learned...

Pan is an evil, freaky, wise-ass, egotistical, nerdy computer geek who works too much, smokes too much, drinks Pan is an evil, freaky, wise-ass, egotistical, nerdy computer geek who works too much, smokes too much, drinks too much coffee and dresses funny. too much coffee and dresses funny.

Hey! I'm only human!

I'll write my other shortcomings as I think of them...