Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The
By Scott Adams
I get about 100 e-mail
messages a day from readers of my comic strip Dilbert. Most are from
disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans--that sort
But a growing number are from women who write to say they
think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't
If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical
engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not
exactly Kevin Costner.
Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And
he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the
incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the
people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to
But that skill is becoming less important every year.
Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet
card without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a
stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of
people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:
Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech
Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but
secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This
group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet
crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.
Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and
fling dung at tourists.
Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide
which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put
them on the log ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You
want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.
And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are
excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the
guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six
months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get
repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an
engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy
to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying
suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like
dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who
spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better
lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman
who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize
this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive
thing I've written so far.
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider
their hair. They tend to have either:
(1) male pattern baldness--a sign of elevated testosterone
(2) unkempt jungle hair--the kind you see only on people who just
finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.
If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the
strong circumstantial evidence alone.
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll
delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem.
That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then
who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And
Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to
the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You
could argue with me--I'm just a cartoonist--but it's hard to argue with the
government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so
they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men
who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting
paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was
to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their
own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust
manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman
is going to look at them twice.
It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide
Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody
likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe,
which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100
words to go.
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks
sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor.
If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also
agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll
just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less
attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.