Humor

Barney is Evil

By Anonymous

What is the latest news on Barney? Well There is now actual PROOF that Barney is Satan. What we have all known for years now finally has some solid backing.

Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

Prove: Barney is Satanic

The Romans had no letter 'U' and used 'V' instead for printing, meaning the Roman representation for Barney would be:

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:

C V V L D I V

Decimal Equivalents are:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

Adding those numbers produces: 666. 666 is the number of the beast. Therefore, Barney is Satan.

JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY? Barney is said to be some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur suit. Several things about this theory don't add up. For one thing, Barney has full mobility.

Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was operating his beak.

Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth, and large moving cow like eyes. If a man is in there, he's no ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap in the air and CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.)

If he's not human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?

1) He's a real dinosaur.

Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is questionable, the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support current revisionist paleontological theory. (The singing ability is a new twist, however.)

And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carnivore his teeth seem those of a herbivore, or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.

2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly parent figure in order to train young children to be his unholy army of ultimate darkness.

You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to test this out would be to confront the fiend with a bloody crucifix.

3) He's a space alien.

This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomorph, might have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of theses could account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the show. As for his motives and purpose, see above.

HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?

1) Wait for him to go away.

Most media darlings eventually do this, however, our children's BRAINS are at stake.

2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips shut.

You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.

3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him.

If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think of it, he probably gets his power from...The Children's Television Workshop. Cut their funding!)

4) Stop believing in him.

Scoff if you will, but this has worked with others recorded in history.

Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. And remember, you won't get your kids back until Barney is dead.

Barney the Dinosaur is amongst us all, brainwashing hapless children, and you sit there at your terminal chuckling at my so-called "madness.” But listen. There's still time to put an end to his evil Jurassic schemes.

Barney is some kind of malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur.

There are two principal Barney modes.

1) There is the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall fuzzy purple saurian who moves around freely and talks and sings like a brain damaged castrate.

2) There is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small stuffed version of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can take on any form he chooses.)

We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL creature here. Don't assume that just because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he IS a fuzzy harmless doll.

In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in active mode he thinks himself invulnerable. And THAT shall be his downfall.

You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a bloody crucifix, an iron rod, a Tammy Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them ready at all times in case of random Barney encounters.

If by some chance you DO encounter the Hellspawn in active mode, take these steps:

*DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*

His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you gaze too long upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and soul. The effect isn't as obvious on TV, at least not with adults.

*DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*

The real danger comes from the seductive quality of his Song Of Entrapment:

I love you....Won't you say you love me too?

If you DO say you love him, then he OWNS your soul and all its accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.

*ACT CASUAL.*

Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an autograph for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you can get him to sign an agreement to leave mortals alone for all eternity.

(NOTE: Your pen MUST be filled with blood for this to work. While he is not really likely to fall for a cheap stunt like this, it’s certainly worth a try, unless you're worried about him sucking up your soul like Jell-O through a Hoover.)

*DESTROY HIM.*

Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect a thing. The following methods will certainly annihilate most creatures of darkness:

1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a bloody crucifix, saying "Hey? Hey? Hey? Big fella?"

2) Blow pepper at him. Have a Holy Man of God ready to say "Bless you," when he sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get Barney-bits all over you.

3) Blow his face off with a flare gun.

4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive.)

5) Ask yourself: How would "MacGyver" handle this?

6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a 3-D picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head, while singing "Amazing Grace", in a month with a "K" in it. (Note: The sword MUST be blessed by His Holiness the Pope. Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)

There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our misdoings. Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous creations of modern American culture and as such, he MUST be destroyed. The termination of Barney must therefore become a goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we protect our children and stop his evil reign!

FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE Just turn down the volume on the TV the next time Barney appears. Stripped of his music ( such as the 'I love you, you love me' chant, one of his most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try this, you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you. After a moment to recover your composure, you too will realize what must be done.