Humor

Barney AD&D Statistics

By Anonymous

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS

FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm

ORGANIZATION: Solitary

ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day

DIET: Little children's minds

INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12)

TREASURE: Merchandising contracts

ALIGNMENT: Purple evil

NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below)

ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush)

MOVEMENT: 3

HIT DICE: 8

THAC0: 12

NO. OF ATTACKS: 2

DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2)

SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30)

SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy

MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90%

SIZE: L (8' tall)

MORALE: Stupid (30)

XP VALUE: 4,000

Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent life forms, eternally seeking out small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiosity.

Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each Inflicting 1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim or Barney is killed.

Barney may also utter a 'Power word I love you' once every three rounds. Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each day that a child is in Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold coins on Barney merchandise.

Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent with their own insipid personalities.

Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops, which they may use as +2 maces in combat.