Humor

Radio Daze

By Dave Barry

Monday morning. Bad traffic. Let’s turn on the radio, see if we can get some good tunes, crank it up. Yeah. Maybe we…

POWER ON

“…just reached the end of 14 classic hits in a row. We’ll be right back, after we…”

SCAN

“…send Bill Doberman to Congress. Because Bill Doberman agrees with us. Bill Doberman—it’s a name we can trust. Bill Doberman—it’s a name we can remember. Bill…”

SCAN

“…just heard 19 uninterrupted classic hits. And now for this…”

SCAN

“…traffic backup caused by the…”

SCAN

“…EVIL that DWELLETH amongst them, and it DID CAUSETH their eyeballs to ooze a greenish substance, but they DID not fear, for they KNEWETH…”

SCAN

“…Bill Doberman. He’ll work for you. He’ll fight for you. If people are rude to you, Bill Doberman…”

SCAN

“…enjoyed those 54 classic hits in a row. Now let’s pause for…”

SCAN

“…NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! BUD LOOTER CHEVROLET, ISUZU, FORD, RENAULT, JEEP, CHRYSLER, TOYOTA, STUDEBAKER, HONDA WANTS TO GIVE YOU, FOR NO GOOD REASON…”

SCAN

“…insects that DID swarm down upon them and DID eateth their children, but they WERE NOT afraid, for they trustedeth in the…”

SCAN

“…listening audience. Hello?”
“Hello?”
“Go ahead.”
“Steve?”
“This is Steve. Go ahead.”
“Am I on?”
“Yes. Go ahead.”
“Is this Steve?”

SCAN

“This is Bill Doberman, and I say convicted rapists have no business serving on the Supreme Court. That’s why, as your Congressman, I’ll make sure that…”

SCAN

“…a large quantity of nuclear waste has been spilled on the interstate, and police are trying to…”

SCAN

“…GIVE YOU SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR ANYTHING—IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO BE A CAR!!! BRING US ROAD KILL!!! WE DON’T CARE!!! BRING US A CANTALOUPE-SIZE GOB OF EARWAX!!! BRING US…”

SCAN

“…huge creatures that WERE like winged snakes EXCEPT they had great big suckers, which DID cometh and pulleth their limbs FROM their sockets liketh this—‘POP’—but they WERE not afraid, nay they WERE joyous, for they had…”

SCAN

“…just heard 317 uninterrupted classic hits. And now…”

SCAN

“…Bill Doberman will shrink your swollen membranes. Bill Doberman has…”

SCAN

“…glowing crud strewn all over the road. Motorists will need…”

SCAN

“…FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! WE’LL JUST GIVE IT TO YOU!!! FOR NO GOOD REASON!!! WE HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER!!! WE HEAR VOICES SAYING…”

SCAN

“Steve?”
“Yes?”
“Steve?”
“Yes?”
“Steve?”

SCAN

“YES, and their eyeballs DID explode like party favors, but they WERE NOT sorrowful, for they kneweth…”

SCAN

“Bill Doberman. Him good. Him heap strong. Him…”

SCAN

“…finished playing 3814 classic hits with no commercial interruptions, dating back to 1978, and now…”

SCAN

“…we have unconfirmed reports that the radiation cloud is spreading and that…”

SCAN

“…liquefied brain parts did dribbleth OUT from their nostrils, but they WERE not alarmed, for…”

SCAN

“…when you hear the words ‘Bill Doberman,’ you will…”

POWER OFF

Oh, never mind. I’ll just hum.