CD Review

Summer 2000 Soundtracks

By Dan Century

Summer 2K: I sure a hell won't be tanning myself on a Jersey beach. More than likely you'll find me in a bar, or in an air-conditioned theater. Here's three summer movie soundtrack albums that are filled mostly with crap music. I've gone through each album and painstakingly sought out those songs I thought you would like to know more about.

The Crow 3 Soundtrack
Can you believe it? The Crow 3! Nothing can top the original comics. The first movie was great viewing, but bittersweet considering Lee's death. I never subjected myself to the second movie, and I might not see the third film either.

Filter - The Best Things
Another almost forgettable track from this two hit wonder Nine Inch Nails spin-off. Not as brutal or classic as Hey Man Nice Shot, or as sinfully sweet as Take a Picture, but definitely slick and rocking enough to please the K-Rock crowd. Easy to listen to, and fun to sing along with…

Rob Zombie - Living Dead Girl
This song can already be found on the soundtrack to Psycho (the new crappy one), two Rob Zombie albums and at least two metal compilations. I don't care if it's a remix or if it rocks, I'm sick of it! Rob has other songs in his sick, fuzzy head - let's hear them.

Infidels - Bad Brother
Sort of like a heavier Lo-fidelity All-stars with lots of tone-deaf female vocals, including an excruciating sample of Juliet Lewis singing in her jail cell from Natural Born Killers. Bad, like a heart clogging, but delicious cheese burger.

Sin - Painful
A genre defying ambient/rock/dance track similar to Babyland, Orbital, and Nine Inch Nails, yet it has an original sound. I look forward to hearing more from this band. Arcade samples, techno sounds, rock guitar, dance and rock beats, roboto vocals…a big mess that makes sense by the end.

Pitchshifter - Everything Sucks (Again)
Bravo! I couldn't have said it better myself. It's just too bad this song wasn't so close to sucking. Seriously, the lyrics rock, but the music is so bland I'm ready to go on a Drano binge. Pitchshifter's last album, www.Pitchshifter.com was phenomenal: the lyrics were brutal and timely, and the music was raw and inventive. Everything Sucks pales in comparison, but it gives me hope for a new album.

Static-X - Burning Inside
Sweet! Finally a Ministry cover that rocks! After months of being tortured by Limp Bizkit's slaughter of Thieves, and countless other aural sacrileges, we have a decent and respectful Ministry cover. Static-X sticks very closely to the original arrangement, with the noticeable absence of the vocal samples during the bridge, but that's just about it. I couldn't be more pleased.

Heavy Metal 2000 Soundtrack
Who remembers the first Heavy Metal movie? I do, but that's because I'm old. Heavy Metal was a full length motion picture composed of several fantasy and sci-fi cartoon shorts set to the hippest rock music of the day. I imagine Heavy Metal 2000 will offer movie goers much the same experience. Why fuck with the formula? And speaking of formulas…

MDFMK - Missing Time
Is that a 303 Bass Synth I hear? Trash guitars, chanting women, soulless, throbbing beats? It must be KMFDM, oh, I mean MDFMK! Seriously this is MDFMK's best song yet! OK, that's not saying much, but it's a step in the right direction.

Pantera - Immortally Insane
Every now and then I have to rock out to some plain old METAL, and no one pumps out the brutal, angry metal cheese like Pantera. Lots of raw, but not whiney, screaming set to slow paced, but down n' dirty guitar riffage. Goofy, sure, but about as fun as a fist full of bottle rockets.

Queens of the Stoned Age - Infinity
Kings of Stoner Rock is more like it. If you're wasted and flying a giant space ship, this is what you want to be listening to. Treble Sabbath with the guy from next door on vocals. Amazingly average yet supreme at the same time.

Monster Magnet - Silver Future
About as cool as New Jersey gets. "The new stadium rock." And forgettable…it's no Tractor or Space Lord.

Bauhaus - The Dogs A Vapor
A new song? Their first song in 16 years and it's awesome. Mellow, ambient instrumentation, a basic beat, that Bauhaus guitar, and Peter's vocals. An instant classic. I'll say no more, you'll have to hear to for yourself.

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Mission Impossible 2 Soundtrack
I saw the last Mission Impossible movie, but that's just about all I remember about it. Tom Cruise hanging from the ceiling…but not by his neck. OK, on to the crap:

Metallica - I Disappear
These fellows have honked major choad for a while now, and this song is another step deeper into the turd pile. Just plain boring and forgettable. I hope the stock market crashes so these mullet-yuppies lose their fortunes, get hungry and maybe then they'll write another good song.

Limp Bizkit - Now I Know Why You Hate Me (Mission Impossible theme)
For me to poop on! These Abercrombie zombies have taken a classic TV theme and turned it into a slick hate anthem. Crap!

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Dan's summer time tips: buy the albums you think you'll like, hang out in air-conditioned places like bars and movie theaters and avoid the sun at all costs!