Department

The Mean Little Column—“Women”

By The Mean Little Man

The Mean Little ManSo you want a rant huh?

But I can't think what to rant about. Well Fansters, being that the Mean Little Man is single once again how about we let fly on a favorite topic of your bitter host.

What could it be?

I'll give you a guess...

What do I want to rant about today?

WOMEN.

Or shall I say women in their mid-to-late 20s...

First off, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of being tired and sickened of hearing that guys are commitment-phobic, shallow, sloven, mouth-breathing, bottom-feeding, afraid of their emotions, closed off, stoic. I've heard it all.

I find all that crap to be hip-deep in the hippo tank my friend.

What seems to be the rallying cry of the young professional woman these days? "I'm just looking to have fun." "I need to be independent." What a load of crapolamotorola!

Is it just deep Mean Little Insight in saying that if you read between the lines what I'm actually hearing is, "I don't want to make any decision to be committed to you or anyone. I don't want to make a decision at all, because if I make a decision I open myself up to the possibility to being wrong and I cannot be wrong because I am a woman and I can do anything a man can do because all my life I've been told that women can do anything a man can do and that men will tell you otherwise because all they want to do is keep us being unable to make decisions for ourselves so that we're dependant on them and to keep us ignorant and unthinking and shallow so if I make a decision and its the wrong one...you know, like, if I decide to go with you and then I meet someone taller or more fashionable or better looking then I will have made a mistake."

Am I offending women out there? Sorry babe...but a large number of the representatives of your sex that I have met have lead me to these direct scientific Mean Little Observations.

Of course I am being a bit unfair since another translation of "I'm just looking to have fun," "I need to be independent," could always be, "If I commit to you I then am making the decision to be a responsible person respectful and open to your feelings, which means that I can't live my life allowing my decisions to be made by situation and impulse because what I do will affect another person and if I do something that hurts them I'll be forced to then break them down until they accept living in a relationship that demoralizes them and trivializes their emotions and I couldn't respect them for that and besides if I'm in a relationship I'll have to think of my life in a light different than the next club, the next Saturday or the next impulse."

I'd love to meet a woman who doesn't think of rudeness as independence or assertiveness. Someone that will tell you, "I really don't want to go see that movie." BEFORE you take her to it.

But there's the rub. You don't have to compromise if you're going to make a man feel like shit on a stick for not being a mind-reader.

But I guess that's the friggin' curse of being a 90's female in their 20's. All through the 70's we had that fact that women can do anything a man can do pounded into our heads every ten minutes in back to school specials, guidance courses...all over the place. Every TV show pounded home, "Mama I wanna go to college so I don't gotta need to stinkin' old man."

People need people. People need a little romance. It is a basic part of being human.

But a woman needing a man seems to elicit this knee-jerk psychological reaction from women that to need a man is to go back to being a housewife, which is equivalent to a slave, and to be less than the ideal woman of the modern era.

It seems that women equate the idea of need to being weak, or to failing.

Isn't the dictionary definition of Feminism equal rights? That ain't the accepted meaning though.

So what if its meaning is woman-centric?

Isn't the cornerstone of Feminism the idea that no choice should be closed to women?

But feminists look down on a woman choosing to be a homemaker as a failure, as ignorant or backward. That needing a man while not making 6-figures is a failure?

Wanna know one of the main reasons I am so friggin' bitter? I got sick of watching hot and smart women I knew/know continually go out with meat headed idiots with good hair while simultaneously bitching in their skivvies that they can't meet a sensitive, honest, passionate man. I used to practically scream, "I'm right here!"

I'll be honest. In my bitterness I became a real SOB of a boyfriend, date or booty-call. But I learned it all from you ladies!

So of course I got a little bitter. That isn't what women really want. Lets be serious here. If sensitivity and intelligence happens to also come in a hot bod its like a stocking at Christmas...but I can't think of a sane woman who has poetry and trigonometry at the top of their list of Things that Make Me Wet. It might be on there. Might even make the top 10. But it ain't numero uno baby-cakes!

So I guess you have achieved equality. You get to be just as shallow as every guy. You get to make your first judgment by what his chino's are showing and not his published works.

So more power to ya! But I'll make you a deal. The next guy you meet that you like, but that just isn't hot enough, be honest with him and yourself and quit the, "I'm a deep martyr still seeking my Holden Caufield" routine. Let them know that you just don't find them physically attractive. He may say, "Good because your butt is too flat and you're boobs are too small," but at least we'll know exactly where we all stand!

And then we can stop wasting time weeding through the bullshit and more quickly find the people that are on the same wavelength as we are.

I'll lay it on the table for you. This is what I like:

good skin
fit (hey, I'm an on-the-go guy. So many to offend, so little time.)
a brain
able to be honest with themselves
no bullshit
a love of the outdoors
a geekish side is cool
someone who like base and then hockey over football
low-maintenance (You don't gotta do makeup for an hour to go to the beach. A ballcap will do.)
knows what fork to use
thinks my bullshit is cute

Is that too much to ask? Obviously it is.

If you want to write me a let me know how much of an asshole I am for writing such an offensive piece feel free. meanlittleman@yahoo.com. Feel free to send any bikini pics from the shore last year when you do!

Hugs and Smooches!,
The Mean Little Man on 4-20-2000.

For music, yelling, spiked hair and strange dress, visit The Mean Little Man at his official shrine on the web! (www.meanlittleman.com)